Quick note to start on, on the irony of the context of this post. I’ve been composing it for over a week, very patiently 🙂
So as I mentioned in a previous post, I would like to address patience, or my lack of this virtue. I’m notoriously impatient and somewhat intolerable amongst my family. It’s a bit of a joke really. But, I’ve seen such a change in myself since I’ve had my son. Mainly because I didn’t have a choice! It is no longer me calling the shots because I can’t verbally communicate with a baby. I don’t know what he wants most of the time; it’s just a guessing game. For those who say they know all of their baby’s cries, congratulations. I mainly just know the “I’m in pain because you nicked the tip of my finger with nail clippers” cry, primarily because I can see when I do it..but everything else is a major guessing game and hope I get lucky!
Anyway, a major part of my post partum blues was that I was used to being able to plan out my day and do things when I wanted to do them. During this time, I found by the end of the day, I hadn’t done anything besides sleep, breastfeed and eat. I felt useless. I felt lost at how I was ever going to “live life” again because I didn’t KNOW when I was going to be able to get MY stuff done. What I am beginning to learn is, patience and flexibility. I strongly believe that one of God’s intentions for me in becoming a parent is to gain patience and to transform me more into a serving spirit, as His Son was. I’m only 5 weeks in, and I find joy in serving my son and my husband. And I still get work done too! It’s incredibly rewarding. God has also allowed me to open my heart to trusting Him more. I told myself that I trusted God, but did I really? My thoughts now, are no. When I feel hopeless and overwhelmed, I pray and talk aloud to God. And look! 5 1/2 weeks in (half weeks count with kids) I’m doing great! Baby cries for virtually no reason for 2 hrs straight? Yup. And I got this, because deep, deep down, there was that patience virtue that’s finally starting to surface.